So much to say...so little time. I hope to get back to some writing and processing over the next few weeks. I just need to let this little stream of thought out.
Last week, I was invited to a social opportunity. The setting was unfamiliar. The people were somewhat unfamiliar. But I'm trying to live more of my life in "improv" mode...not just in my parenting, but in all aspects. I found myself saying yes and bringing Husband along before I could think about it too much. When the time came, I was kicking myself. All the "what if's" were starting in. I'm 39 years old and a fairly confident person, but find myself hovering in a corner sometimes socially. What is THAT about?
We went. We had a blast. None of my "what if's" happened. I actually made really good connections and had fun. I reached outside of myself a little. WHAT IF I did that more often? What if I say NO to fears and YES to opportunities?
I have always been a little hampered by fear. I was a terrible gymnast at the ripe old age of 9 because I could imagine myself with all sorts of broken bones (in my defense, I had actually broken a bone and knew it wasn't fun). I was scared of the high bar, scared of tumbling backwards on a 4" beam... In second grade, I signed up for a talent show and learned a song with my piano teacher. I practiced and practiced. Then when it came my turn to sing, I chickened out. Nothing was getting me on that stage. (Some of y'all are shocked now.) I don't have debilitating anxiety, and won't attempt to speak to those issues. I just have some natural and odd fears and insecurities. Things I've allowed to hold me back. Things that bring me back to the Atkinson School auditorium and make me want to hide under my chair instead of standing up and singing Dolly Parton's "9 to 5" at the top of my lungs like I practiced. (yes. what I wouldn't give of a video of little me doing just that!)
I'm here to sing "9 to 5." I had the best evening last week. Just allowed myself to feel the fear and face it down. It wasn't huge, but it was a very good step for me.
"Tumble out of bed and stumble to the kitchen...pour myself a cup of ambition..."
