Finding my deep gladness

Today, I'm a bit weary. My logistics-oriented brain is on overload at the start of a new school year, for me, for my husband-teacher, and for my pre-K little guy. I'm a night owl, so when the house gets quiet, I jump on the chance to sit within it. To soak off some of the day-grime with the sound of crickets and the glow of the iPad. I yawn and know that I need to go to bed, but it's just so glorious to sit still with no one needing anything.
But then I sit at work the following day with one eye open and a constant daydream of how the cool, soft pillow would feel against my cheek.
I'm grateful to have a job. I'm grateful to have a family. I'm grateful to have a home with lots of elbow room, heat and A/C. I'm so thankful to have a husband, as I spent my 20s wondering if I was fit to love or be loved. I'm ever so thankful to have experienced the reality of childbirth and to answer 48 questions from dawn 'til dusk. I count my blessings. One by one.
In the midst of all these wonderful blessings, I still need to find myself. Not in the 21-year-old, who am I? way. I really need to get to the heart and find something that makes my creative heart sing.

So, I've been wrestling with these ideas for weeks now. What would I do if I could do anything I wanted? I can barely even approach that question just yet. I'm still crawling out into daylight in a way. What's in my heart? What is my calling? What am I even good at? I'm not really sure that what you think is the answer to that is really even the answer to that. For instance, if you've met me, you probably think I'm organized. (and I am laughing at you from the pile of mess gathered around my computer...like, big hot sloppy mess of piles and papers and half-full cups of water and un-filed contracts...they mock me, and I'm ok with that)

Then, this video popped up between my writing of the first three paragraphs (Monday) and today...seriously, if you know a woman or are a woman, it's well worth the 20 minutes of watching. WELL WORTH IT. The speaker talks of the value of pursuing your calling in the midst of family life and all the LOGISTICS that come with that.




As a task-oriented person, I lose myself in to-do lists and schedules. Part of that is likely wrapped up in my "giftings," but God is not task-oriented. He is person-centric, grace-filled, life-giving...as Frederick Buechner says,

"The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet."  ― Frederick Buechner, Wishful Thinking: A Theological ABC

What is my deep gladness? I read once that when you are standing at a spiritual or emotional impasse and feel there is no way to go forward, stop and remember the last thing you KNEW to be true. So in lieu of an epiphany today, I will stop and remember.

1. I am called and chosen by God to participate in the renovation and restoration of His kingdom on earth.
2. He has placed me in my job, my church, and my community as launching points for my calling. I don't have to "go anywhere" to minister.
3. Raising my child and ministering to my husband are absolutely parts of my calling.
4. I like being funny. (...and I like making numbered lists. The two can work together, I promise.)
5. I am tired of logistics.
6. When I don't have a creative outlet, I start to feel small and dark.
7. Good creative outlets for me in the past have been: directing mime team, working with drama, graphic design and writing...and doodling!

That's what I have today. And this verse that popped up on my mobile Bible reading yesterday...

Isaiah 26:3 (NKJV): You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

It's so relieving that I don't have figure all of this out today. I can just do the things I know to do today. I can pray, and sing and BE a little. God knows what's up. He's stirring all this in me. He is revealing my own heart to me. And these puzzle pieces are going to come together soon.